WELL WE COULD SIT AROUND AND CRY,

but frankly, you're not worth it anymore.

I lie too much. Telling her I’m fine when I’m not fine I don’t really know why I did it. Don’t know why I do the lot of the things I do, maybe that’s why people never understand why I’m so upset. Maybe it’s because I don’t tell them. Maybe I tell them because I don’t think they’d understand. I wonder if they would understand. I wonder if I’m going to censor my thoughts because I’m writing this, because I know someone else is going to be reading it. I don’t know what I should be writing about. I have so much work to do. I want to scream. I just want to scream I want to scream I want to scream I WANT TO SCREAM. I want to scream so so loud and never ever ever stop screaming I am so frustrated and so stressed out and so unhappy all the time and I’m crying now, why am I crying? I don’t want to cry I want to scream I want to keep screaming until we all disappear, I want to scream so loud that the person who’s dreaming us into life wakes up and we don’t even exist anymore. I can’t stop listening to this song, and this song is making my heart break. It hurts, it hurts a lot, this is not what I expected at all. I didn’t want it to be like this I don’t want to give up my time for something I don’t want to do this isn’t worth it I thought I was better than that. I don’t understand. I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’t want to understand. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to sleep anymore, every night I have the same dream. He says I’m in subconscious denial. I don’t know if he’s right. I don’t want him to be right because that would mean that it’s all going to happen again, you’re going to hurt me again and I don’t want to be hurt again I’m sick of hurting I don’t want to hurt. Why is there never anyone there when I actually need someone? Murphy’s Law, I guess. Ha, that’s on the crossword. It didn’t fit. Hercules didn’t fit either. I don’t remember why. I wonder if I’ll actually finish it. I don’t want to hurt so much anymore. It’s almost physical. I don’t want to have those dreams, the crushing dreams, I don’t want to be suffocating in my sleep it hurts too much it hurts too much this hurts too much. I can’t deal with this anymore I don’t want to deal I thought I was good I thought it went well I thought I was good enough why am I never ever good enough? I was going to do this late at night. I didn’t want to be this honest, I don’t want to lie either. I lie too much. I lie to my mother, I lie to my dad, I lie about being okay, I’m never okay, don’t ask me if I’m okay because I promise you I’m going to lie and tell you I’m fine. I’m not fine. I’ve never been fine. I’m sick of people calling me overdramatic. I don’t care if they’re right. They don’t know how much this hurts. I really really hate being rejected. I thought I was good enough. I’m sick of hearing Devil Went Down To Georgia seven times in a row. Play a different song, you’re not even good at the game anyway. You’re going to fail, you always fail, it actually somewhat amuses me that you fail. I miss you I miss you I miss you I need you why do you always HURT me? Everyone just wants to hurt me and I don’t know why. Like those Salem Witch girls. “Why are you hurting me?” If you could actually answer me. Thrill of the chase? Right. Sure. Chasing something and then not getting it, yeah, totally, that’s tons of fun. I love working really hard and then not getting what I want. I don’t want to waste time on something I don’t want to go I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I really shouldn’t be putting all of this on paper, whoever is reading this probably thinks I’m crazy. Don’t send me to a shrink or anything. I’ll be okay, I promise. See? I’m lying again. I just lost the game. Too bad nobody else is here to lose it with me. So I’m alone. I’m always alone? Why am I always alone? I feel like I should want to be numb. I kind of do, maybe, maybe it’ll make this pain go away, I want to be numb numb numb numb I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you here. I would love to not feel you anymore. You’re gone and you STILL hurt me it’s been so long since it’s hurt this much. I thought I was good enough I thought I was good enough for you for them for everyone I wanted to be good enough I’ve never ever ever ever been good enough and that hurts. STOP PLAYING YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP FAILING. Prometheus? Wasn’t he the one who gave fire to man and got chained to a rock and had his liver eaten out? I AM SO TIRED OF THIS STUPID SONG. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. I can’t deal with this I can’t I can’t I can’t I want to scream I want to scream I can’t scream I want to scream until my lungs give out, they’re not good for anything else anyway. I want to know why the caged bird sings, do you know? I don’t. I’ve never known, I never know. You’ll never know. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. You were my sunshine, you know that? You made me happy. Now you just make me want to cry. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t know how much longer I can take this I don’t want to listen to this song anymore. I can’t believe I cried when I saw him live. Would you even turn to say, I don’t love you? I can’t take it I can’t take this numb numb numb numb numb. I wish you would have saved me, you could have saved me, you know that? You could have tried harder you could have you could have helped me you could have made it work. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry.