So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your picture,
and over-analyze your words.
The truth is that I've never fallen so hard.
It's taken everything in me just to forget your sweater so far.

;edit

poetic justice.

It was so tempting.
So tempting, it would have been so easy to just call and cry and beg.
Beg to talk to me, beg to fix me because I know it would have helped.
Or maybe it would have made things worse.
But it would have been so easy. It was so tempting. I was so close, so close to picking up the phone and dialing the numbers I barely remember, numbers my fingers haven't touched in months.
I could have done it, maybe I should have done it.
But I didn't.
And I don't know what that means.

I'm careful not to wake you, fearing conversation.
It's better just to hold you and keep you pacified.
I'm talented with reason. I cover all the angles.
I can fail before I ever try.

I am fairly agile; I can bend and not break.
Or I can break and take it with a smile.
And I am so resilient, I recover quickly.
I'll convince you soon that I am fine.

And oh my god, I never thought you'd disappear.

The Collected Works of Jane Austen.

Male Lead
I love Female Lead. She must never know.

Female Lead
I love Male Lead. He must never know.

[They find OUT.]

But then what?

You might have meant "me" but I meant "we."
I think I always have.

I can't. We can't. Never.
I told him that. He tells me, "It's good for you, though." And I say, "No, never."
I don't know if he really heard.

Never. Never.

Along the staircase, I dream to hear you in a whisper quiet room.
Space for thinking, space to scream to.
But the echoes sound like you, not the stars at night in a pitch black sky.
I don't know; just wants to see you, but the time is right and it only flies.

the dark and the cold and the warmth and the light and your hands.
they all made me so lonely.

WELL WE COULD SIT AROUND AND CRY,

but frankly, you're not worth it anymore.

I lie too much. Telling her I’m fine when I’m not fine I don’t really know why I did it. Don’t know why I do the lot of the things I do, maybe that’s why people never understand why I’m so upset. Maybe it’s because I don’t tell them. Maybe I tell them because I don’t think they’d understand. I wonder if they would understand. I wonder if I’m going to censor my thoughts because I’m writing this, because I know someone else is going to be reading it. I don’t know what I should be writing about. I have so much work to do. I want to scream. I just want to scream I want to scream I want to scream I WANT TO SCREAM. I want to scream so so loud and never ever ever stop screaming I am so frustrated and so stressed out and so unhappy all the time and I’m crying now, why am I crying? I don’t want to cry I want to scream I want to keep screaming until we all disappear, I want to scream so loud that the person who’s dreaming us into life wakes up and we don’t even exist anymore. I can’t stop listening to this song, and this song is making my heart break. It hurts, it hurts a lot, this is not what I expected at all. I didn’t want it to be like this I don’t want to give up my time for something I don’t want to do this isn’t worth it I thought I was better than that. I don’t understand. I don’t understand I don’t understand I don’t want to understand. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to sleep anymore, every night I have the same dream. He says I’m in subconscious denial. I don’t know if he’s right. I don’t want him to be right because that would mean that it’s all going to happen again, you’re going to hurt me again and I don’t want to be hurt again I’m sick of hurting I don’t want to hurt. Why is there never anyone there when I actually need someone? Murphy’s Law, I guess. Ha, that’s on the crossword. It didn’t fit. Hercules didn’t fit either. I don’t remember why. I wonder if I’ll actually finish it. I don’t want to hurt so much anymore. It’s almost physical. I don’t want to have those dreams, the crushing dreams, I don’t want to be suffocating in my sleep it hurts too much it hurts too much this hurts too much. I can’t deal with this anymore I don’t want to deal I thought I was good I thought it went well I thought I was good enough why am I never ever good enough? I was going to do this late at night. I didn’t want to be this honest, I don’t want to lie either. I lie too much. I lie to my mother, I lie to my dad, I lie about being okay, I’m never okay, don’t ask me if I’m okay because I promise you I’m going to lie and tell you I’m fine. I’m not fine. I’ve never been fine. I’m sick of people calling me overdramatic. I don’t care if they’re right. They don’t know how much this hurts. I really really hate being rejected. I thought I was good enough. I’m sick of hearing Devil Went Down To Georgia seven times in a row. Play a different song, you’re not even good at the game anyway. You’re going to fail, you always fail, it actually somewhat amuses me that you fail. I miss you I miss you I miss you I need you why do you always HURT me? Everyone just wants to hurt me and I don’t know why. Like those Salem Witch girls. “Why are you hurting me?” If you could actually answer me. Thrill of the chase? Right. Sure. Chasing something and then not getting it, yeah, totally, that’s tons of fun. I love working really hard and then not getting what I want. I don’t want to waste time on something I don’t want to go I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I really shouldn’t be putting all of this on paper, whoever is reading this probably thinks I’m crazy. Don’t send me to a shrink or anything. I’ll be okay, I promise. See? I’m lying again. I just lost the game. Too bad nobody else is here to lose it with me. So I’m alone. I’m always alone? Why am I always alone? I feel like I should want to be numb. I kind of do, maybe, maybe it’ll make this pain go away, I want to be numb numb numb numb I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you here. I would love to not feel you anymore. You’re gone and you STILL hurt me it’s been so long since it’s hurt this much. I thought I was good enough I thought I was good enough for you for them for everyone I wanted to be good enough I’ve never ever ever ever been good enough and that hurts. STOP PLAYING YOU’RE GOING TO KEEP FAILING. Prometheus? Wasn’t he the one who gave fire to man and got chained to a rock and had his liver eaten out? I AM SO TIRED OF THIS STUPID SONG. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. I can’t deal with this I can’t I can’t I can’t I want to scream I want to scream I can’t scream I want to scream until my lungs give out, they’re not good for anything else anyway. I want to know why the caged bird sings, do you know? I don’t. I’ve never known, I never know. You’ll never know. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. You were my sunshine, you know that? You made me happy. Now you just make me want to cry. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t know how much longer I can take this I don’t want to listen to this song anymore. I can’t believe I cried when I saw him live. Would you even turn to say, I don’t love you? I can’t take it I can’t take this numb numb numb numb numb. I wish you would have saved me, you could have saved me, you know that? You could have tried harder you could have you could have helped me you could have made it work. I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry.

Guilty Pleasures +1

The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Guilty pleasures.

Daddy Yankee.
Tennis tournaments.
Justin Timberlake.
Gossip Girl.
Beauty & the Geek.
Food Network.
Food.
Project Runway.
Colouring books.
MSNBC.
Ellen DeGeneres.

For Elizabeth.
I have a feeling this is going to extend past fifty.

1. Lost; Anouk.
   
2. I'm Ready; Jack's Mannequin.
3. Buried Myself Alive; The Used.
4. Hello Helicopter; Motion City Soundtrack.
5. Backmask; Mindless Self Indulgence.
6. Potential Break-up Song; Aly & AJ.
7. Touchdown Turnaround; hellogoodbye.
8. When the Day Met the Night; Panic At The Disco.
9. The Truth About Heaven; Armor For Sleep.
10. Call It Karma; Silverstein.
11. Razorblades and Handgrenades; Josiah Leming.
12. Her; Josiah Leming.
13. To Run; Josiah Leming.
14. Screaming Infidelities (Acoustic); Dashboard Confessional.
15. Stolen; Dashboard Confessional.
16. Hurricane; Something Corporate.
17. Time; Cute Is What We Aim For.
18. Son of a Gun; Search the City.
19. The Rescue; Search the City.
20. Clocks and Timepieces; Search The City.
21. Hospital; The Used.
22. Earthquake; The Used.
23. Smother Me; The Used.
24. Early Sunsets Over Monroeville; My Chemical Romance.
25. I Don't Love You; My Chemical Romance.
26. Famous Last Words; My Chemical Romance.
27. Creeps Me Out; Ima Robot.
28. Waltz #2 (xO); Elliott Smith.
29. Miss Misery; Elliott Smith.
30. Wine Red & Wine Red (Tommy Sunshine's Brooklyn Fire Retouch); The Hush Sound.
31. The Boys Are Too Refined; The Hush Sound.
32. As You Cry; The Hush Sound.
33. Honey; The Hush Sound.
34. Send My Love to the Dancefloor, I'll See You In Hell; Cobra Starship.
35. Blue and Yellow; The Used.
36. Dark Blue; Jack's Mannequin.
37. Bruised; Jack's Mannequin.
    
38. Michelle; The Beatles.
39. All My Lovin'; The Beatles.
40. Please Mr. Postman; The Beatles.
41. If I Fell; The Beatles.
42. Drowning Lessons; My Chemical Romance.
    
43. Late Night Conversations; The Forecast.
44. Our Lady Of Sorrows; My Chemical Romance.
    
45. Memory; Sugarcult.
46. The Call; Regina Spektor.
47. Samson; Regina Spektor.
48. Lollipop; Mika.
49. Lollipop; aQua.
50. Grace Kelly; Mika.
51. Save; The Rocket Summer.
52. So Much Love; The Rocket Summer.
53. This Love; Maroon 5.
54. This Can't Be Love; Monument Monument.
55. Blitzkrieg Bop; The Ramones.
56. The KKK Took My Baby Away; The Ramones.
57. Never Wanted To Dance; Mindless Self Indulgence.
58. Situations; Escape The Fate.
59. Wasted; Cartel.
60. Cellar Door; Escape The Fate.
61. Gasolina; Daddy Yankee.
62. Not Good Enough For The Truth In Clichè; Escape The Fate.
63. Rompe; Daddy Yankee.
64. Tired Of Being Sorry; Enrique Iglesias.
65. Bailamos; Enrique Iglesias.
66. If I Fall; Amber Pacific.
67. Dear Jamie; hellogoodbye.
68. Kelsey; Metro Station.
69. Word Disassociation; Lemon Demon.
70. Raining In Baltimore; Counting Crows.
71. Gyasi Went Home; Bedouin Soundclash.
72. She's A Lady; Forever The Sickest Kids.
73. Barracuda; Heart.
74. Hey Brittany; Forever The Sickest Kids.
75. Secret Love and the Fastest Way To Loneliness; This Providence.
76. Northern Downpour; Panic At The Disco.
77. The Kill & The Kill (Acoustic); 30 Seconds To Mars.
78. Lips Like Morphine; Kill Hannah.
79. Kennedy; Kill Hannah.
80. Scream; Kill Hannah.
81. Let This Go; Paramore.
82. Conspiracy; Paramore.
83. Stop This Song!; Paramore.
84. Wake Up (Acoustic); Coheed and Cambria.
85. Island; The Starting Line.
86. Something Left To Give; The Starting Line.
87. In Your Eyes; Peter Gabriel.
88. Sleeping In; The Postal Service.
89. Sabotage; Beastie Boys.
90. Dímelo; Enrique Iglesias.
91. Such Great Heights; Iron & Wine.
92. Such Great Heights; The Postal Service.
93. On My Own; The Used.
94. Take On Me; a-ha.
95. Lexington; Chiodos.
96. Slow Down; The Academy Is...
97. Classifieds; The Academy Is...
98. Everything We Had; The Academy Is...
99. One Song Glory; Adam Pascal.
100. Out Tonight; Rosario Dawson.
101. Halloween; Anthony Rapp.
102. Defying Gravity; Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenoweth.
103. Popular; Kristin Chenoweth.
104. Bring It; Cobra Starship feat. William Beckett and the guy from Gym Class Heroes.
105. Working Class Hero; John Lennon.
106. Working Class Hero; Green Day.
107. A Lonely September; Plain White T's.
108. Hate; Plain White T's.
109. You and Me; Plain White T's.
110. Dear Maria; All Time Low.
111. Billy Brown; MIKA.
112. Exes and Ohs; Atreyu.
113. Swing Life Away; Rise Against.
114. The Good Left Undone; Rise Against.
115. Sugar, We're Going Down; Fall Out Boy.
116. Calm Before The Storm; Fall Out Boy.
117. Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying; Fall Out Boy.
118. I Don't Want To Be In Love; Good Charlotte.
119. The River; Good Charlotte feat Synyster Gates and Matt Shadows.
120. Afterlife; Avenged Sevenfold.
121. All The Same; Sick Puppies.
122. Fer Sure; The Medic Droid.
123. It's About Love; The Medic Droid.
124. fscene8; The Medic Droid.
125. Get Ready 2 Rokk; Freezepop.
126. Less Talk, More Rokk; Freezepop.
127. Gossip; Breathe Carolina.
128. Lovely; Breathe Carolina.
129. Monsters; Matchbook Romance.
130. When You Were Young; The Killers.
131. This Is Such A Pity; Weezer.
132. The Sweater Song; Weezer.
133. The Magic Position; Patrick Wolf.
134. Fight For Your Right; Beastie Boys.
135. Ohio Is For Lovers; Hawthorne Heights.
136. Decembers; Hawthorne Heights.
137. I Liked You Better Before You Were Naked On The Internet; From First To Last.
138. Seventeen Ain't So Sweet; The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
139. Your Guardian Angel (Acoustic); The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.
     
140. London Calling; The Clash.
141. Rock The Casbah; The Clash.
142. Anarchy in the UK; The Sex Pistols.
143. Sweet Child O' Mine; Guns 'n' Roses.
144. Message In A Bottle; The Police.
145. Radium Eyes; Count Zero.
146. Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger; Daft Punk.
147. Here Comes The Sun; The Beatles.
     
148. What Katie Said; The Matches.
149. Chain Me Free; The Matches.
150. Sleep; My Chemical Romance.
     //Edit
151. Patrik Och Lillen - Vifta Med Händerna (Basshunter Remix) - Basshunter.
152. Easy/Lucky/Free - Bright Eyes.
153. Something Vague - Bright Eyes.
154. The Calander Hung Itself... - Bright Eyes.
155. Skeptics and True Believers - The Academy Is...
156. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab For Cutie.
157. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie.
158. I Will Posses Your Heart - Death Cab For Cutie.
159. From Yesterday - 30 Seconds To Mars.
160. True Blue - Musical Outfits.
161. Gone Gone Gone - John Ralston.
162. Wait For You - Elliott Yamin.
163. What Goes Around/Comes Around - Justin Timberlake.
164. Sweetness - Jimmy Eat World.
165. Careless Whiper - WHAM!
166. Bonus Mosh II - Taking Back Sunday.
167. You're So Last Summer - Taking Back Sunday.
168. Timberwolves at New Jersey - Taking Back Sunday.
169. The Blue Channel - Taking Back Sunday.
170. Bring Me To Life - Evanescence.
     
171. Hell0 - Evanescence.
172. Doctor - Cute Is What We Aim For.
173. Practice Makes Perfect - Cute Is What We Aim For.
174. The Curse of Curves - Cute Is What We Aim For.
175. Save It For The Bedroom - You Me At Six.
176. Nameless Faceless - Panima.
177. Welcome To The Jungle - Guns 'n' Roses.
178. Monsters - Matchbook Romance.
179. Let's Get Fucked Up And Die - Motion City Soundtrack.
180. Broken Heart - Motion City Soundtrack.
181. My Favorite Accident - Motion City Soundtrack.
182. Lycanthropy - Patrick Wolf.
183. Tristan - Patrick Wolf.
184. Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner (acoustic) - Fall Out Boy.
185. Decoy - Paramore.
     
     End Edit.//

There's loads more, but I'll add those later. There's a nice round 150, for now. Expect more in the next few days.

♥

I AM THINKING IT'S A SIGN THAT THE FRECKLES IN OUR EYES ARE MIRROR IMAGES, AND WHEN WE KISS, THEY'RE PERFECTLY ALIGNED.

I need to find someone else.
Someone who won't hurt me, or use me, or lie to me. Someone who will just hold me, and not ever, ever, ever let me go. Someone with pretty eyes, eyes that tell me what's in his soul. Eyes that know the darkness in my soul. Someone who will sing me to sleep, or sing to me when I'm crying, and write me poetry and bring me flowers. And throw rocks at my window at midnight and recite Shakespeare (correctly!) to me. And who will lie in the grass and watch clouds go by with me, or point out the constellations to me. AND WILL KNOW WHEN I'M NOT OKAY. And will come over with ice cream when I'm not okay, and hold me until I am. And will sing me the Postal Service over the phone when I can't sleep. And won't mind arguing with me, even when they know I'm right, or will let me keep going when they know I'm wrong. Taller than me. And will dance on the sidewalk with me even when there's no music. Someone who can pick me up and spin me around, and likes to cuddle. And will write me a lullaby. And isn't fucking perfect, because neither am I, and everyone has their flaws. Someone who will tickle me even when I beg them not to. Someone who knows that one rose means more than a dozen ever could. Someone who will buy me Thai food and walk to the park and swing with me. Someone who won't care that I'm so stubborn, someone assertive. Someone cynical, like me. Someone with a crooked smile who knows my favourite colour, and will go to shows with me and lift me up on his shoulders so I can see, and will hold me from behind so I don't fall over in the pit. Someone who will stand next to me and scream every word of every song, and will wait in the tour bus line with me so I can get my stuff signed. Someone who will make me mixtapes and help me with my homework and is a little older than me, but not so much. Someone who won't make a big deal out of my birthday, and will watch Death Note in Japanese with me, and will come to see me every night I'm in a show, and will bring me daisies every night. Someone who will make me dinner, no matter how horrible of a cook he is. Someone who loves Eddie Izzard and Dane Cook and Flight of the Conchords. Someone who's just as fucking hopelessly romantic as I am, and will cry over RENT and watch The Notebook with me, and let me curl up against his chest and cry for Noah and Allie. Someone who can speak another language, and will call me 'querida.' Someone who will walk me to my next class at the risk of being late to his. Someone with a lip peircing, who knows that Liechtenstein is a country, and not a city. Someone who can spell Liechtenstein. Someone who knows that colour and neighbour have a 'u' in them, and how to correctly pronounce the word basil, and who will spell cheque with a -que, and knows that terrorise has an -ise and not an -ize. Someone who knows that football should be called football, and not soccer. Someone who likes kids, but doesn't want any. Someone slightly OCD. Someone that hates sports and loves coffee. Someone who will not go out in public with anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Someone who understands that last reference. Someone who knows that the answer to life, the universe, and everythingis 42. Someone who would have caught, and been bothered by, the missing space in the last sentence. Someone who actually knows what a Babelfish is. Someone who understands my love for Ronald Weasley. Someone who has read Twilight, someone who cried over New Moon, someone who hates Jacob and will try their hardest to be my Edward. Someone who hates the cold, but loves the snow. Someone who has read Jane Austen books, and gets them. Someone chivalrous, someone who will listen to me rant, and isn't afraid to tell me when I'm being stupid or overdramatic. Someone who isn't afraid to fight with me, because they know we'll get over ourselves and realize that we were being jerks. Someone who will never, ever leave without saying goodbye. Someone who will go to midnight showings of movies with me. Someone who hates horror movies and roller coasters, but will take me to Disneyland to get my autograph book signed by Tigger and get a picture with Eeyore. Someone who will buy me another sno-cone after the one I had falls on the ground. Someone that hates country and hip-hop and rap. Someone who knows that the books are always better. Someone who doesn't want to stay in Michigan for all their life. Someone who smells really, really good. Someone who will let me steal his sweatshirt, and be content with maybe never getting it back. His belts, too. Someone who doesn't mind that I steal his clothes. Someone who dresses up every once in a while, for no reason at all. Someone who is not ashamed to wear purple. Someone with no hand-eye coordination. Someone who is a perfect gentleman, someone polite. Someone who's smart, really smart, who is perfectly eloquent, and adores proper grammar as much as I do. Someone who doesn't use chatspeak, and loves words, and will always say "I love you" back.

AND TRUE, IT MAY SEEM LIKE A STRETCH, BUT IT'S THOUGHTS OF YOU THAT CATCH MY TROUBLED HEAD WHEN YOU'RE AWAY, WHEN I AM MISSING YOU TO DEATH.

THE SONG FOR A LONG GOODBYE,

What do you think gives you the right, no, the audacity, to ask me if I'm alright?
You very fucking well know I'm not alright.
Pretend you can't see me fighting myself every time you're around.
Pretend you don't feel my heart slow the fuck down every time you're around.
Pretend you don't know that I can't concentrate on ANYTHING anymore, because every road leads me to you, but when I get to the end, you're not standing there anymore.
Pretend you didn't realize that it took fucking everything in me not to cry when he's singing about how she doesn't love him anymore, and she doesn't even have the fucking guts to say it.
Pretend you care about me, pretend you love me, lie to me and say this will all be okay, everything will be okay, hold me tight, hold me close, shh, don't worry, I'll fix this we'll fix this you can't fucking FIX me anymore.
Pretend everything's going to be okay when everything is just going to hell, when I'm descending the ladder one step at a time, and you don't even try and stop me.
Hell, you're right behind me, pushing me down, egging me on, like it's some kind of game.
I want to write for you, write to you, write about you, but all I ever get is your name. Not even the one you like, but the one I love. I love you, you just can't tell.
Liberate me, love me, set me free, just don't break me or use me or hurt me and isn't it too late for that already?
Don't fucking say goodbye. Don't wait for me, don't walk with me, don't fucking hold me, don't tell me you love me because I know you're lying.
Everything, your love, your arms, your pretty eyes, your pretty smile, your silhouette, every fucking thing.
Don't fucking change after you tell me that everything will be okay.
It won't. You promised. You said you'd never ever lie to me, and here you are telling me you fucking love me, you love me too, you don't you wouldn't you couldn't never ever ever.
You never could, you never will, you never did don't fucking LIE to me.
Stop promising me that everything's going to be a - o - fucking - kay.
Don't tell me "maybe someday" when you know that you could never, ever love me.
Don't let me use your words with someone else.
Don't let me fucking fall back into this mess.
Hurricane, hurricane, these currents are still killing me.
Drag me down, I just want to hear your voice when I'm screaming for mercy.
Let me tell you I love you one last time, and maybe everything will be hunky-dory.
You think I over-dramatize, you think I cry for nothing, you don't realize how hard it is to keep me from destroying myself, because I would do it in one fucking heartbeat.
Don't you dare tell me we have nothing to talk about, we have plenty, you're just hesitant and I'm not willing.
Don't make me be the one to break this silence, I can't take that pressure, the pressure, it's getting closer now.
Would you be better off without me?
Maybe I'd be better off without you. Don't think I could take that, because no matter how much you hurt me, I'll keep coming back.
Boomerang, for the win!
This mix could burn a (w)hole in anyone.
It's like I wrote every fucking note with my own fingers.
And you'll never know, because you probably don't give a shit.
Don't even try to understand what you're doing to me, because chances are, you wouldn't care anyway.
Chances are, you'd laugh.
Chances are, you'd sink me.
Chances are, you'd take her hand and run.
So yeah. How am I? I'm fucking fine.

Well if you'd really listen to me, because I'm telling you the truth. I mean this.
I'm okay.
(Trust me.)

I'M COMING BACK TO MY GIRL BY JULY.

I can't do this anymore. I can't stand this. Not being able to hold you like I could. Your arms not holding me like I wish they would, but know they never will. If you could hold me close, would you quiet this fear? Keep me still, give me peace. You could make me smile, give light to these dying eyes. You, making me laugh, your eyes sparkling with warmth. But you leave me cold. Cold like ice, melting in your warm hands, so near to your warm heart. Cold, like death in a still winter morning's sunshine. My death - pure, sweet death, in the sunshine of your love. My death in your eyes, through your beautiful words, with which you are killing me, unknowingly. Yes, undoubtedly, you are killing me, softly, through your sweet words and with your sweet voice. I have not chosen love. Rather, love has chosen me. Cruel and bitter, love's arrow has struck, wounding me beyond recovery. Irreversible pain. But I would not escape this pain. No, I would feel this pain forever if it meant being close to you. You are near, and though I know you are near, I cannot see you. And so my words fail me. Stumbling, stuttering, fragmenting while I try to ignore your breathing, pay no attention the steady beat of your heart, in time with the unsteady faltering of my own. For whom does your heart beat, dear one? Surely, not for me. Not for all my love, concealed within my laughter. Not for all the caring, the worry, in such plain sight; can you see, in my eyes? But my heart; oh, this heart. This heart beats for you, only you. And though you cannot see, though you will never know, this will not change.